Top 5 Ridiculous Retro Game Characters

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Published on August 16, 2012 with No Comments

Yes, we know. Most retro game characters were ridiculous. You have, giant monkeys, small blue robots, homogenous blobs that are supposed to be X-Men, Earthworms in spacesuits, the whole 9 yards. Today, we count down the Top 5 most ridiculous Playable Video Game Characters:

5) Earthworm Jim

This is a bit of a cheat because it’s supposed to be weird, but that doesn’t hide the fact that you’ve become a sentient Earthworm running around in a Spacesuit powered by the Battery of the Gods.

4) Plok:

Yes indeed. A roving amorphous red turd that fires his limbs at enemies in order to attack them. Oftentimes, the game requires you to sacrifice said limbs, leaving you walking around like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

This game is beyond weird. Not bad, just weird. Plok also seems to have some insane obsession with his Grandfather…

Alrighty, turd, we get it. Grandpappy was awesome for some reason, but you’re creeping me out. Go back to moaning about flags already.

3) Voldo (Soul Calibur Series)

Do we really have to say anything about this guy? He looks like the Gimp from Pulp Fiction. He fights like a crab on barbituates. He wears Cod pieces. COD PIECES. Of all the strange video game characters in the world (and by God there are some strange ones), Voldo is by far the weirdest.

I mean, take a look at THIS:

You can now thank me for the nightmares you’ll have for the next month or so.

2) Boogerman:

Kids like gross stuff, right? They find farts and snot hilarious! As such, let us pander to their idiocy and kill a few of their brain cells by releasing… this:

What the fuck is wrong with you, Interplay? You went from Descent and Earthworm Jim to this? Shame! Shame! Unclean! Boogerman’s attacks consist of flicking snot, as well as expunging last night’s rancid meatloaf at you from both of his delightful orifices. Stay classy, Interplay. Stay Classy.

1) Mario (From Every game in the Fucking World)

I see you scratching your heads.

Now hear me out, sure Mario isn’t wholly weirder than some of the other entries on this list, but he is by far the most prominent, and if you truly think about it, his backstory is just fucking odd. Let me lay it out for you.

You have this carpenter who has his girlfriend kidnapped by a giant Monkey. Okay, I can buy that. Giant Monkeys seem to have some kind of affinity for hot chicks. The carpenter then goes through a few rigorous levels, hopping over barrels thrown by the aforementioned simian in order to rescue his main squeeze.

This, however, is where our story takes a turn towards the Dark Side. The carpenter isn’t satisfied having his girlfriend back. He wants his vengeance. As such, he cages the Monkey and guards him ceaselessly.The only thing that snaps him out of his horrific obsession is the son of the monkey coming to rescue his father.

Not satisfied with the Capture of Donkey Kong, Mario attempts to horribly murder his son by attacking him with various other forms of Wildlife.

After he is defeated, he goes through nervous breakdown and changes career, opening up a plumbing business with his wussy brother that doesn’t know any better. Then, he finds out that some hot piece of ass is being held captive in some sort of LSD-induced magical world called the Mushroom Kingdom (which I’m still isn’t sure isn’t some Acid Trip suffered by our “Hero”). He immediately dumps the hell out of Pauline in order to go rescue this princess from a Giant Fire-Breathing Turtle, seemingly having a seething hatred for all animals of above-average size.

He then goes to War with this Turtle and his minions, fighting him again, and again, and again, and again, and again for the sake of a useless Hot Piece of Tail that can’t even muster up a goddamn army to protect her own Kingdom. The Sex Had better be fantastic.

Oh, and along the way, he plays some fucking Tennis.

So there you have it. Mario is your weirdest Video Game Character. Feel free to voice your opinions and give your list in the comments below.

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