Aresmen Old School Retro Game Review – Uncanny X-Men (NES)

Written by Francois Dufour. Posted in Games

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Published on March 01, 2012 with No Comments

Oh My God! We’re doing X-Men? That’s awesome. The X-Men arcade game was the best! Great multiplayer beat ‘em up gameplay. Hilariously bad Engrish dialogue. Who can possibly forget:


As nostalgia goes, it can’t be beaten and…

What? We’re not doing that one? So what the Hell are we doing?

*Weeps Openly*

Why, Editor, Why? Why must you put me through this?


X-Men for the Nintendo NES is an abomination. Some of the games I’ve reviewed so far have been awful, but at least you can tell a LITTLE work was put into them. X-Men for the NES is an unfinished, rushed mess of a cash-grab that should never have left LJN’s bowels. Why must you torment us, LJN? Why must you loose terribility such as this upon the Earth?

So as you can see, you basically have a choice between two types of characters. The projectile people and the… “punch” people. I put punch in quotation marks because they don’t punch so much as nudge one pixel to the right. That’s correct. LJN couldn’t even be arsed to animate a one frame punch. If Total Recall for the NES has you beat, you’re in trouble.

In any case, the nudge people are completely useless, making popular ol’ Wolverine about as useful as tits on a male yak. (Didn’t see that one coming, did you.)

This game is horribly designed. There is just no rhyme or reason for certain things. For example, why MUST you pick two people per mission? If you’re playing one player, your partner’s AI is somewhat akin to a blind autistic platypus with all it’s limbs cut off. You pretty much have to purposely kill off your CPU partner to get anywhere in a given level.

The graphics are a mess. Characters, regardless of whether they are a man or woman are palette-swapped versions of the same bulky lego character blob.

Backgrounds are a jumbled mess.

Enemies are… turrets, Star Wars droids….the snake from Snake? When the Hell do the X-Men fight any of these things? I guess they fight turrets sometimes in the danger room?

This is one of the worst games I have ever played. Never have I seen such a lazy piece of muddled coding. Avoid.

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