Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES) Review

Written by Francois Dufour. Posted in Games

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Published on June 25, 2012 with No Comments

If you love your watching your beloved Ninja Turtles vanish into their shells and then spontaneously disintegrate over and over, then this game is for you!

Prepare to Take Leonardo and Donatello for a spin (because the other two are fucking useless with their itty bitty weapons) in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES. Thrill as you are run over by random vehicles when you CROSS THE ROAD.

Marvel as you’re murdered by random pink algae while disarming bombs.

I hate you, Hudson River Dam.

This game was Nintendo Hard…. But it wasn’t Good Nintendo Hard. It was “throw the controller at a strategically positioned infant” Nintendo Hard. Two of the four characters in the game were borderline useless. Controls were not TERRIBLE, but were definitely not precise. Given the amount of platform jumping, you could sure as Hell lose your useful-ass Donatello pretty damn quickly and be relegated to using Ol’ Stubby-Sais Raph.

Enemies respawn the very second you move off-screen. Going back-and-forth across a room to collect a Pizza is useless because you have to face all 70 enemies in the room twice to do so.

I’m all for tough games.

Tons of enemies are fine. Hard jumps are fine. but the very first law of game design is that you never make controls or game mechanics a part of what makes the game difficult.

Controls should be crisp. Mechanics should be tight. The game should be hard because you have to practice to be good at it. It should not be hard because two of the characters can’t hit the broad side of the Technodrome with their tiny shriveled penis weapons. It should not be hard because the awful swimming controls make it nigh-impossible to dodge murderous pink algae.

Oh the Horror.

Fucking Run!!!

This game isn’t as bad as… say… a Ghostbusters. You can tell there was actual effort put into this. But I strongly suggest you leave it in your childhood.

Wanna be nostalgic? Hunt down… any other TMNT game on the NES or SNES. Seriously. Any of them. Even Tournament Fighters.

Leave this one as the last on your list… lest the infants suffer.

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