Long Ago, there was a Great video game series. It overflowed with the glorious nectar of beheadings, eviscerations, and stabberings. Sure, the gameplay wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t bad, either. We liked it. We got a glorious satisfaction from spamming sweeps, uppercuts, and high punches and jumping around in stilted fashion.
Truly, it was a Golden Age (of Stabberings). This was the era of Mortal Kombat. A series that strove for that lowest common denominator: That Violence Sells. And we loved it. We loved it both to death and to pieces. We loved Mortal Kombat 1, the progenitor. The all-father. We loved Mortal Kombat 2, the successor, like Zeus coming down from Olympus to supplant his father. We were okay with Mortal Kombat 3, I guess.
Then… came… Mythologies.
Truly twas… twas…
How? How do you take that combat system and try to transfer it to an action platformer? It doesn’t MAKE SENSE.
Look at the monkey, people. Look. At. The. Monkey.
So from the misbegotten womb of a jackal was born Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero. Those that rented this abomination for a weekend and took a magical journey with it were horrified to realize that their lives would never be the same. They would want those five dollars and that weekend back for the rest of their lives. It would eat away at them like some flesh-eating demon sent from the depths of Tartarus, gnawing at their intestines with a neverending plague of gloom and despair.
So let’s dive in, shall we?
So. That’s a cutscene, huh? Who in the World greenlit this and thought it would be a good idea? The acting is worse than Annihilation, and that’s saying something. In all fairness, watching someone actually play the game, who isn’t bad at it does little to demonstrate its level of suck. You have to hit a button to change the direction you face. A BUTTON.
The enemy AI is ridiculous. They oscillate between Mortal Kombat II mega death hard difficulty mode and just standing there doing nothing. The Graphics are beyond horrible. They’re at a 16 bit level. And I don’t mean… like… Secret of Mana AWESOME 16 bit level. I mean like Mortal Kombat 1 arcade port to the SNES 16 bit level. The backgrounds are bland. The game is bland. You walk right. You fight a generic level-specific baddie, you walk right some more, you do some stiff jumps that are guaranteed to kill you, you walk right some more, you turn around (with B), you walk left.
It’s just boring, unnecessarily difficult due to the control scheme, and unfun. I’d rather play Total Recall than this piece of crap. At least that’s hilariously bad (Okay, in all fairness, the cutscenes in this are hilariously bad, but they’re few and far between).
It’s just an endless, monotonous corridor of bad control, repetitive fights, and bad level design.
Over and over and over and over and over and…
Do not play this. Not for nostalgia, not for any love of the Mortal Kombat franchise… Just… don’t. To do so would be serving Satan (Michael Bay). Avoid.